Glamour Is A Rocky Road....

Bored with Your Sex Life??

Last night... i used a "john".... to keep from getting a parking ticket...
It started innocently enuff.. i was late...still rush hour..no parking.. 100 dollar fine..

He was looking for the Girls Next Door.. a Lost Boy ...

i spotted him right away..

he was staring at the keypad on my door.. pretending to talk on the cell..wearing Oakley sunglasses circa 1987 -that were bound to be keeping him from getting laid any other way- otherwise..he was cute..in a goofy frat boy looking way... 6'4" muscular  short cropped brown hair.. de rigeur ball cap..  baggy shorts and a generic polo shirt....i mean 3 vodka tonics and if he knew the right bands...id prob. do him..

me..well... i had the top down.. my ponytail was high and wind mussed.. big chanel sunglasses ..too tight black t-shirt .. so he looked hopeful when i put the european sports car (now dubbed "sex on wheels" by the ditsy little tart)  into low growl .. and braked hard right in front of him...
i decided almost instantly to use him...
i smiled and waved at him ... (thinking..damn im glad i wore a padded bra!)
i hit the flashers.. and pulled out the key...
started grabbing shopping bags.. and pushed my padded bits out in front of me a bit more than usual.. 
he gawked a bit..
then he started to follow me inside!!!...(johns always want to get off the street ASAP)
but i stopped him and said..

"Watch my car Honey!! DONt let them ticket it!!" ...

"ok ok ok no ticket" .. he said enthusiastically..with a thick eastern european accent.. and a huge grin that made him seem younger than the Oakley sunglasses suggested....

I dropped off my packages.. checked my makeup - powdered my nose..adjusted my ponytail.. and kept a wary  eye on "John" dutifully guarding my car... from the window...
then grabbed the key..& headed back out...

i nodded to him ...saying thank you.... and went around toward the drivers side..
he seemed perplexed..

he hadnt realized i was gonna leave..

i pointed to the "Girls Next Door" and said...Ring THAT bell..
Ahhh..he smiled...
and i headed off to park...
When i crossed the street a few min later from the garage..he was gone..
i went back inside dropped off my car key.. grabbed my jacket..
and headed out to walk a few blocks to my dinner date...
there was the usual rush hour number of people on the street heading toward various metros  and bus stops...
so i didnt notice him fall in behind me and start following me..
...in hindsight i should have been more careful

about a half a block later..he was calling me...MISS?? MISS??
i turned and almost got knocked over by him!
"IT'S ME AGAIN MISS" he said ..now looking sheepish... and i swear blushing..
I almost felt kinda sorry for him..

• John: "Your Working???"
• SB:     "umm.. no honey..sorry.. not today..im done!"
• John: " Tomorrow?"   (now i KNOW what hope SOUNDS like..)
• SB:    "umm..no ..not tomorrow either"
• John: "when when??"
• SB:    "oh i dunno...  maybe Next Week"
• John: "ok ok ok ..Next Week!"

and he disappeared back into the crowd....
I had dinner ..the whole time thinking..
im outta town all week next week..

"Little Snack in the Sack...Baby dont come back..
Midnight, Moonlight, good night...
Little Snake in the Grass... trading kisses for cash..."
                                                 -tkk   

xoxo

The Lost Boys..

johnspotting...
soo babies.. living with the girls next door i have developed some survival skills that probably would have eluded me had i not had to fend off johns for the past several years.. you know what i mean....certain traits have evolved...in order to compensate for the environment.. my gaydar is spot on (that comes from growing up near the P Street Beach).. and over the last few years my "john spotter" has evolved to about an 80% accuracy rate...

generally speaking johns are quiet and are trying to be discreet.
NOTE: most johns are far more wary of me than i am of them.. they say this is true of rats as well..but i dont believe it with the rats..lol

the species seems to be divided into several sub species
by far the easiest to spot is the "first timer" aka "the Lost Boys"
The Lost Boys are trying a little too hard to look like they know where they are going..
they are trying soooo hard to look casual.. but they are throwing off so many endorphins..that they might as well wear a Big Horny U sweatshirt
The Lost Boys will walk up and down the block at least twice..
The Lost Boys will often employ a cell phone.. and pretend to be talking to someone
The Lost Boys will stare very intently at the facade of my building..looking for a clue to "THE DOOR"
The Lost Boys will often ring my doorbell...or even walk into the building on the other side of me..

the kids in there get a kick outta The Lost Boys .... and will torture them mercilessly with stuff like:
"looking for a hummer??"
"blowjobs are two doors down dude!"
"your pretty cute we can take care of you here"

the manager in there is gay and will often throw in a few breeder slurs.. just for fun..

if i happen to be outside The Lost Boys will look kinda wistfully at me.. 
but are too afraid to ask any questions... some other common Lost Boy responses seem to include:

if i smile at him.. he will smile back.. but quickly turn his back & pretend to use cell phone again...

if i ask how he is doing... he will think im the cops and kinda try to get outta range of personal conversation..by skittering backwards several steps

if im sitting on the stoop  and say..."evening sugar pie" his eyes will light up for a split second while he processes that im not asian..

If i say.. Can i help you?? are you lost??.....he will start stuttering

this seems to be a mating call of sorts..because usually when they start stuttering.. i point to the door and one of the girls next door will step out to collect the poor little Lost Boy..and hurry him into the brothel..nodding her head and smiling at me  "good evening miss suicide blond"... they will say..even if it is morning.....

side bar:..   i like morning sex as much as the next person..but im always amazed at the number of Lost Boys who show up at like 6 am. jeezuz christ fella the bars closed three hours ago and you have to be back in govt cubicle in two hours.. so have you been wandering the streets in search of Pardise..or the girls next door.. for three hours?? or did you wake Yourself Xtra Early for a blowski??.. or more likely ...did you tell your wife you had to go in early to "BEAT TRAFFIC" is that what the kids are calling it now??

  over the years i have learned to like living with the girls next door. on several occassions ive been tempted to move for one reason or another..but ..i always end up saying to myself..where else am i gonna get a view like this?? and where else can i just sit out front or in the window for crazy entertainment.. i mean dont folks realize how fun it is to dress up like a pornstar and sit next door to a brothel??? YOU CANT PAY FOR ENTERTAINMENT LIKE THIS..lol.. i guess the real thing ive learned over the years (as we close out another one)... is to never underestimate what a horny fella will do for some cookie.. he will face his fears.. charge headlong into an office building full of gays, pace awkwardly outside for freaking ever... and pay money..oh yeah..he will even pay money for it...sigh.. boys are sooo damn silly
xoxo
sb

Santa Baby...next year.. I could be oh soo good!!

hi darlings...
let me start with some advise!! ...if you cant hold your liquor... pour it into a flower pot ...when will folks learn that tooo much...isn't really sexy... I wish i could say id been away for soo long at some exotic travel destination... but i haven't!! lol just lots of living been going on..so not as much time to write about it as i like..travel gives me alot of "alone time" to write BUT being home..especially during the holidays, i spend most of my time catching up with folks.. the party scene has been pretty dull round here lately.. mostly cause folks in DC are generally too ambitious to have much fun at holiday parties! lol..but there have been a few ... interns puking into bushes,  "woo girls" that are just generally so amusing to watch, and  well.. even a few Rockstars that don't give a shit what ANYBODY thinks.. but.. well..i felt terrible for one hostess who had to hose off a guest at the end of the night ...and another who was forced to {excuse this} "scoop chunks" out of her hot tub... darling ..its just NOT SEXY.... real men... know when to stop!

The Girls Next Door ... gave me a bit of a fright... when i saw a young russian fella changing all the locks and painting over the "address numbers" over the door... i know that they are on borrowed time at this location.. the  other tenant.. passed away.. RIP..M xoxo ....  and though the girls have been paying the rent for the whole building... im betting that by now it is for sale ..ive seen some preppy dudes checking it out.. etc etc ...developer types.. and someone came and cleaned out some of M's things.... spruced things up a bit... 
BUT i suppose THE GIRLS worked it out.. cause they have been busier than ever the past month! I am totally surprised at all the cute young fellas in fancy Escalades and Vettes that have become regulars... it is kinda crazy... im gonna try harder to get you some pics..cause you'd realllly be surprised..
..but to each his own.. and i guess holiday stress relief comes in all sorts of  packages...

I spent the past weekend trying to fulfill as many social obligations as possible and fox hunting in the country... (no.. don't go PETA on me...no actual foxes are hurt!!  that would be gross) BUT what i did notice and im REAAALY surprised i haven't noticed it before...  there is totally... something fetishy about the way folks get into the whole hunt thing ....they are just a little tooooo into dressing up in their little boots and carrying round a crop...i mean who reallly says "tallly ho" .. with a straight face.. and dosent expect me to giggle or start counting chix nearby.. responding  with..well my tally is 6 ho's!!???? and i have no idea why THIS weekend it all seemed like the build up of an orgy scene in a porn flick...but it did ..im gonna make a point to explore that a little more.. when im not quite soo hung over and concentrating on just staying on the horse....

anyway..... my goal this week is to get out my christmas cards!!! wish me luck..once i get this monkey off my back..i hope to be able to cuddle up somewhere...maybe next to someone... and concentrate on a post that doesn't ramble on about holiday chunks in  hot tubs..
xoxo
sb

Insert Catchy Title Here...

Hi Kiddies..
sorry to be away soo long..ive actually started several new posts..but ive had trouble actually finishing them...its not like me..but maybe its the season change, or the time change, or maybe im getting lazy! lol...definitely was busy planning halloween debauchery.. Miss Hawaiian Tropic was in charge of the costumes and we ended up.... after MUCH ado.. as

Harajuku girls..(just google it)...lol AND
"Special Ops" Army Girls..lol...

You KNOW it is a good Halloween season if it requires multiple costumes... but now that that is behind me...i don't have a good excuse! lol

Miss Hawaiian Tropic gave her notice..the 10th is gonna be her last day..she is moving back down south... following a boy who is no good for her..but what are ya gonna do..you certainly cant tell anyone not to follow their heart!!!!

Have to have a party for her..
Have to get started on that...

so... what's been up you ask??

• spent a few days in the country.. getting my martha on...cleaning & cooking... i know i know... i don't cook... but every  once in a while ..usually in the fall..i get a wild hair and cook up a storm..  soo i coooked and cooked and then gave away a ton of tortellini soup, shepards pie .. lemon poppyseed cookies, orange ginger bundt cakes ..it was cathartic.. and tasted pretty damn good too..

• Saw SHORTBUS the other night..its softcore mostly gay porn.. but whatever..it was well done softcore mostly gay porn..

• I chased a firetruck outta chinatown ..i dont recommend doing this..

• did a late night tour of the city with the top down and kissed a boy in front of most of the major monuments.. i do recommend doing this..

• The Ditsy Little Tart has been  holed up with her beau..but we have plans tonight to get together and gossip & drink alll night long...

• The Girls Next Door... have been super busy the last few weeks...or maybe im just noticing the johns more....Girl Zero told me they were gonna be "closed" for halloween.. Apparently..it is the ONLY day of the year that they are closed! otherwise it is 24/7... go figure..
  

• SC wants me to go to a wedding with him..lol

• Rockstar is back on the road..wants me to come up to NYC ..soooo... i prob. will just cause  i love NYC and haven't been up there in a while.. & i like any excuse to wear false eyelashes!

planning to take the ES round the racetrack this weekend...if the weather holds..which it is soo not looking like it is going to do....soo..im completely conflicted...cause

• i really wanna race cause she has new tires and is running sooo great... but
• i really DON'T wanna race ...cause she has new tires and is running great..

damn...
xoxo
sb

Bio Man Gets Away....

hi sugar pie...
Horse Stables are set up F Street and Cowoys are running all over Chinatown...Suicide Girls are shaking what thier mama gave 'em, Drag Races that involve Hot Queens not Hot Rods, Heavy Metal Japanese Girl Bands, AND a chili dog from Bens Chili Bowl...

photo courtesy of chrisafer 

DAMN I'm tickled pink to be home for a little while!!

The Girls Next Door are all well... thanks for asking bout 'em...
I have an appointment to get my hair trimmed up (thanx to Red for the recommendation!) no silly...i did'nt JUST get it done...that was COLOR ONLY.. now i need to shape my porn star look a little!!

I picked up the European Sports Car from its (cant decide if its a boy or girl) scheduled maintenance appointment..damn..im gonna have to go to work Next Door just top keep it in spark plugs.. i JUST decided its a SHE..anything you spend that much money on oughtta be a girl...lol.. SHE is running great.. which always puts me in a good mood...

Soo....  I worked out with Supreme Court Jr. yesterday... then we ran errands in Georgetown and that led to some food and drink...and then we ended up..... No you sickos not in bed..... at the DC Eagle.. getting shoe shines, watching porn, and leaving lipgloss kisses on ...well on lots of stuff that looked like it needed lip gloss kisses... including a cute little lesbian bartender! lol.. mwah..was good to catch up..im glad that we are able to still be friends even though im completely ignoring Supreme Court Sr. 

sooooo..as we are pulling outta g-town some cute guy rolls down his window and is shouting to me

"ROBERTA...ROBERTA"...

i do a quick mental checklist of aliases i might have used recently and im not coming up with roberta anywhere..

but hes super cute and he mistakes my smiling and waving as confirmation that i am indeed roberta....

when he gets closer and asks... how i have been & whats been going on..he sees that im a bit confused.... or blond... or whatever..

he starts to try to jog roberta's memory... "you were in my class?!"  I smiled but shook my head.. "sorry love" ...

in the meantime SCjr. is shouting in my ear..."maybe he plays for my team" ... SOOO .. i had to block..

"back off bitch..Bio Man (vanity tag) is mine!"lol...

so while im arguing with the gay man about his orientation ..the cute BIO MAN gets away! lol ...oh well... easy come.. easy go... if any of you know BIO MAN ... tell him he is super cute and if he buys me a few Vodka Tonics he can call me roberta all night long... works for me ;-)

xoxo
sb

I'm Bringing Sexy Back...

I have porn star hair...

i love it..
i feel like my old self again... I guess im just not a "highlights" kinda girl... now i know ive told you i change my hair alot.. way more than most folks.. but.. ive been on the road for a while and its hard to find salons that you trust in strange cities.. and ill be honest..im just too damn smart cheap to spend $600to 800.00 on a color job in LA or NYC.. (i swear to god.. i know some of the men out there are freaking... that IS what a GOOD color job can run and that doesn't even include a haircut!!) .. anyway....lol..  my roots had gotten outta hand and id let a stylist talk me into highlights.. not that it looked bad..it looked "nice"  but....well... i don't like "nice hair" on me....i like suicide blond... and well... its not a color many women in DC go for..soooo... it can be hard for a stylist who is used to doing capital "hill hair" to understand.. they alway want to convince me to do "highlights".. its "easier to maintain and it looks more natural"...they are always explaining... rrrgh..
I Don't Want it to look Natural.. I want it to look Rock and Roll.... and HOT...and im not worried about "MAINTAINING" it 'cause..im most likely gonna change it again in a month or two anyway!! .... but they inevitably talk me into some new highlight & lowlight job that looks like shit "hill hair" i don't always fight too hard cause some folks just CANT do Suicide Blond  and i don't want to force them to do something they don't know HOW to do...now don't get me wrong..highlights look great on lots of girls.. and .. lots of folks have jobs with bosses that prob. wouldn't appreciate some of my "looks" .. BUT.. I don't have a boss :-)... AND ..lol..... in general..people expect me to be slightly quirky and very BLOND! lol.. now..im not saying its right for everyone..it's not...
BUT could you imagine Donatella..  or Carolyn Bessete..with "highlights"
i don't think so...for some folks it is a signature...

im one of those folks..

i do a lot of stuff with my hair.. ive been

• light pink with blond streaks
  
• i spent a few min with waist length extensions that were dark brown on the underneath with a super blond layer on top
• Bitch Slap Blond  (which an artist ended up using to base a palette on for a painting on!!)
• Ash blond
• Black and Blond
• White Blond
• Strawberry Blond
  
• Golden Blond
• AND, for a trip to a muslim country, .. i even went with a "natural" blond lol ... etc etc
  

but ...in a few months i almost always go back to my signature "suicide blond".. which is prob best described as a pornstar/playboy blond... not quite as white as gwen and christina rock it.... most like Porn Star Sunrise Adams... but for the few non-porn watchers ... like jessica simpson..

when she is at her blondest...

Suicide Blond you see ....

is more than a haircolor...

It is a lifestyle...
it is not a lifestyle for the timid..or the meek..because you will get stares.. especially in DC...

people seem to have a visceral reaction to hair that is this shameless...
they begin to assume things, good, bad and silly..
but as a true Suicide Blonde..I always smile at those folks ...and say HI!..
because when my hair is Suicide Blond..well there is little to risk..

The only folks more particular about the shade of their hair is Redheads... I lived with reds all through college and just let me say this ....when they say blonde's have more fun...don't believe 'em..it takes ALOT of self esteem to go out with Red Heads! lol ....folks just lose their shit over red heads..but that's another post .. I mean...who the hell knew i had so much to say about being blond??  sooo... yesterday when my colorist (Kylie xoxo) saw me walk into the salon.... she smiled broadly and shouted..."Thank God! I am sooo tired of brown!! dontcha wanna do something really blond".. usually when fall rolls around gals darken their hair a bit.. BUT... i'm on the road alot and i try to schedule sunny trips during DC's dreary winter months.....soooo  i smiled back...... "BOB baby, BOB" .....

Bring Out the Bleach!
xoxo
sb

I Missed YOU too!!!

hi babies.... i know i know its been a while...
i have sooo much to catch you up on!! Let me see now... where to start..

The girls next door... are super busy..
it was implied via email that me keeping tabs on them might be bad for my health...
yeah whatever dude..i ain't scared..
girl zero brought over some homemade dinner for me a couple of nights ago..which i believe may be the only way i survived an insane hangover from the night before...

The cops came by...
they picked up the stolen briefcase i "recovered" for them... the dispatcher wanted me to carry it 12 blocks to the station...i said..

no way!!your kidding right?? but its heavy as hell... tell ya what..it'll be at my place til im tired of looking at it ..if y'all want it  y'all can come and get it!

three weeks later..they knocked on the door (granted i was on west coast most of that time)
when joe law saw it...he was incredulous that i had "touched the suspicious package" !!!! and that i had figured out the combination.... and inspected the contents...
nothing goood... only some heavy ass tools... go figure- this is a fucked up town..
cops gave me a lecture that sister rosemary @ st mary's woulda been proud of...
for touching/carting off and playing with the suspicious pkg.... but WTF..the Police Dispatcher TOLD me to the carry the damn thing to the STATION --now wouldn't that have been a GOOD IDEA if it HAD been somthing nasty like a bomb or covered in anthrax!!...whatever..

it appears that the Ditsy Little Tart has a new boyfriend! he is soooo cute and seems to be treating her well... so that is good....i think he is from russia..she never seems to date any good ole american boys...but he grew up in PA so thats close.. she says he is not a real keeper..but i think she is protesting a bit too much... will have to make a note to self to invite them both to dinner next week...  BUT ...can i tell you why she is THE BEST FRIEND EVER..cause she found out i was coming in on a red eye..  she immediately booked me a massage!! mwah!!!xoxo and boy was i kinked up and in need of that shit!! the whole getting home from cali was so traumatic i don't think i can even write about it yet..

when i finally DID get home the kids from the hood kept me out late almost EVERY night last week.. soooo combined with a hectic office schedule..me staying out til 4 am drinking every night... i was in wicked shape by the time the weekend rolled around...  & i had to go to a wedding..
why are almost ALLLL the weddings ive been to lately so damn twisted and surreal... the whole thing just seemed like an SNL skit... and it  was in a lame ass country club with a lame ass CASH BAR (i didn't know..and didn't f-ing bring any cash) so i pretty much had to slut myself for drinks....   not a problem really..cept im usually not a slut until AFTER i drink a few.. but i suppose it can be more efficient to get your slut on early in the night..lol..

i spent AGES on the phone with a fella from cingular trying to get my cell fixed so that i can email myself the pix on it.. this function jut randomly stopped working about 6 mos ago and by now it is a small crisis... plus i wanted to share with y'all!! sooooo pix to come shortly

the maneater is apparently happy in turkey... whatever..i bet she would rather be here with me... trying to get a sip of this vodka tonic!

a real post soon- i promise
xoxo
sb

How to Date a Rockstar

Rockstar played the Viper Room the other night.. and all i could think was..

"how did i get myself into this shit again?"

He was so cute in is little rockstar outfit and freshly dyed hair.. that left a purple ring in the hotel sink...and ruined multiple hotel towels... i know the maids are shaking thier heads as they try to scrub it out....his shades were in place ..and they sounded great..i was proud of them..the whole band ..not just my little rockstar..
   This is not the first rockstar ive dated..the last one... well ...he was a pseudo rockstar..more " alt country rockstar"..i thought it was going pretty good ...until i saw in (insert name of crappy magazine here) that he had married somebody else..

sooo..guess thats why i haven't heard from him.. dumb shit was pretty busy getting married etc etc...

oh well..it wasn't a big deal.. i like to think this one isn't a big deal either... but it can be hard not to get carried away when they are so cute..and they write you little songs..and they dedicate shit to you from the stage ... but....ive been down this road before... im always telling the Ditsy Little Tart...that this Rockstar thing wont work. she is always rooting for him! lol..and i am ALWAYS pushing him back..keeping him at arms length...not letting him get too close.... the irony is.... that is exactly why he likes me so much!..im the one that he cant seem to figure out... who isn't impressed with his tour bus..ive been on nicer.. i don't always show up to see the show... i don't call him, i don't text him, i don't email him, i don't care if he sleeps with groupie chix (just be safe..you don't need any baby's mamas), basically..i just don't let myself care at all.... i just try to appreciate our time together for what it is... fun ... and i never expect it to last beyond the last time we saw each other...

but by now ..well... a good deal of time has slipped past while i wasn't really paying attention.. we have been "hanging out" for a couple of years...and well...we talk at least once a week when he is on the road. which is almost always....
life on the road sux.. my whole family is in the music industry..and ive been around touring bands since.... Supertramp stayed at our house on their "breakfast in america" tour......lol (i know, i know this post is gonna date me! but i was just a teeny thing then!! )   for every great show at the viper room there are 10 bad shows in (insert bullshit town) where only 20 folks show up.. guys on tour.. well it is kinda like soldiers doing a tour of duty.. long periods of boredom, shitty accommodations, crappy food, no chicks...punctuated by brief bursts of addictive adrenaline rushes...   during the long boring times..soldiers write letters home to sweethearts..and rockstars write songs... In both cases the girls end up getting idealized ....and well...sometimes you have to read between the lines..sometimes the things they say or write aren't quite what they mean..over the years i have learned to speak a little bit of "Rockstar"

Rockstar: "I miss you soo much" 
Translation: "I'm lonely ..and your the only one i know who is still awake"

Rockstar: "I wish you had come out and gone to the show at (insert lame club name here)"-
Translation: "There was only 1 good looking chick ..and she liked (insert other band member here)"

Rockstar: "The hotel they booked us in (insert crap town here) looks like a nightmare".
Translation: "Can you use your american express points to get us a night or two @ (insert expensive hotel chain here)?"

Rockstar: "The club owner/promoter was a real dick"
Translation: "He had a hot girlfriend who was into me..but he ruined my chance to get in her pants"

Rockstar: "tonights show was great"
Translation: "the club paid us cash"

Rockstar: "There was a huge crowd"
Translation: "there were enough girls for everyone in the band to score"

Rockstar: "The tour manager is an (insert creative string of expletives)"
Translation: "another band - that is better than us- has been added to the bill"

The viper room...
it's a good room, it was a good show, i like being behind the velvet rope, but the truth is..it wont work.. and its just a little game we play...and i think i'm gonna have to get up from the table cause i like to quit while im up.. and it looks like one more hand might put the stakes up higher than i can afford to gamble.

xoxo 
sb